Monday, November 14, 2005

Bill's Razor and Your Wrist

So, what exactly does it mean to be old? I'm not talking about culturally, or in Old in America, or aged in years, or any of that bullshit. What I'm saying is, I suspect that there is a distinct feeling associated with oldness, and I'm asking what that feeling is. It seems to me (tonight, anyway) that there has got to be some line, on this side is young, and on this side is old. Further, I think that the only person who is aware when someone crosses that line is they damn self. I think that I'm old. It's not because I don't want to go out and get drunk anymore, because, in a way, I do more than ever. It's not because I'm not a hopeless romantic, either, because I think that I still am, maybe more than ever, and frankly I'm starting to suspect that that's a big part of what has aged me prematurely. So what is it? What feeling can I point to and say, "See, I'm a fucking geezer."? I'm not sure, my answer changes day to day. Today, I think that it has to do with revolution. Once, the idea of revolution, of changing the world, of being a footsoldier or a general or both in the coming Time of Change, the idea of being part of that tide that sweeps the apartment, the block, the city, the country, the world, this notion that maybe I could help, or at least die trying, once this idea was energizing. It woke me up with a bound every morning. True, maybe I just ended up smoking pot or drinking heavily and watching TV, or listening to a little Weasel, or, at most, cementing pennies somewhere, but at least it was invigorating when I let the spirit take me. Now, generally, the idea of revolution is just exhausting. It's like the idea of change is, in itself, what changes the world. The idea of it is a mystical, metaphysical force that draws energy from the old and gives it to the young. This is a force of both change and the status quo. It's the idea of change, and the act of entertaining it, that keeps the universe in check. Of course, I can't really honestly say that I'm all the way to the dark side yet. A work of art, or a funny sign, or any of a million things can still fan a little flame to my embers. I'm not ice yet, but sometimes I feel myself getting there. I really am chilling out a bit too much. So does that mean that I'm not old yet? Or does it just mean that I'm tired, and I don't have a fucking clue what old means. I suspect that, all things being equal, the solution that assumes that I don't have a fucking clue is usually the right one. It's Bill's Razor.

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